February 2012
1 post
8.49am
Crying on the bathroom floor as the radio played ‘that’ song, any song.
I can’t do this.
I don’t have this to give.
I am empty.
January 2012
7 posts
Everything is Illuminated
He awoke each morning with the desire to do right, to be a good and meaningful person, to be, as simple as it sounded and as impossible as it actually was, happy. And during the course of each day his heart would descend from his chest into his stomach. By early afternoon he was overcome by the feeling that nothing was right, or nothing was right for him, and by the desire to be alone. By evening...
I actually loathe you.
Get over yourself. You self absorbed knobber.
Again.
In 7 days. You broke me.
AGAIN!
The most hurtful, hateful cruelty.
To bring something to life to just abandon it. To make it breathe, to give it depth, soul, meaning.
To rip it away. Throw it down. Tear it from it’s insides.
To bring out the true being in a person, the only thing that was ever real. To walk away.
To not be aware but be ever knowing.
I've lost the memory.
Is this the comfort of being afraid?
Morning.Dreamer.
I dreamt you were on our coach. I dreamt you were on our adventure to their wedding. You were my friend for the journey, speaking in the mother tongue to my new friend next to me. You sat on and broke her cigarettes.
I picked up your wallet. Petite but full of memories, cards, cracked plastic wallets. In awe of the beautiful script written on every photo and business card and the overall smell...
You just ripped my heart out and I can’t tell anyone. I’m sitting in my car in the dark screaming as tears are rolling down my cheeks and my knuckles are raw from hitting the dashboard.
December 2011
6 posts
You only get one chance to be spectacular in death.
Stella.
He feels the same. He cannot change. If this were another world, another time, another passing moment.
He will not break his vow for me. For her, but not for me.
I don’t want him to. He doesn’t comprehend this.
I just want him in my life and satisfied I am not lonely in my thoughts.
A.b.c.
Falling asleep physically wrapped in the problem of your female best friend is not making her ‘face up to the guilt’. It is bringing the hate, distrust and nigh on impossibility of having a supportive functioning husband into the heart of your wife. She is not an idiot, no matter how much you would like to believe she is in ignorance. She is foolish, tired maybe, see’s no other...
Did you never call? I waited for your call
These rivers of suggestion are driving me away
The trees will bend, the cities wash away
The city on the river there is a girl without a dream
I’m sorry.
Eastern to Mountain, third party call, the lines are down
The wise man built his words upon the rocks
But Im not bound to follow suit
The trees will bend, the conversations dimmed
Go build...
You asked me once, what was in Room 101. I told you that you knew the answer already.
I have been told today, in no matter of fact way, my feelings are not needed or warranted. I feel so small as to be entirely insignificant.
They know their words and know their meaning. The know they would cut me like glass.
I have to leave this behind.
November 2011
3 posts
You make me second guess myself.
This city, this place, wandering death, crying with life. Poverty of the rich and greed from the poor.
Willing it to wash away, for never to return, it comes back, it will not die, it crawls slowly on. Home.
Watching over shoulder, the world you’ll never know, passing by the window like a movie never shown, people living lives, needing life to live.
October 2011
12 posts
You say perfection like it’s a good thing.
Building myself back-up to be ignored. With this I cannot cope, without I cannot breath.
Well.
I am confused. I genuinely don’t know what to think. I don’t get why you’re doing this, being like this.
I can’t say I miss you, I can’t say I care, I can’t say anything without ruffling the feathers.
I know I’m nothing, I know I’m only air, I know you don’t want to see me, let alone over her.
You promised you’d show me fireworks,...
What did I do wrong?
I am fragile and yet you drop me.
You see me crack
You see the strain
For the want of better, you play the game
You die inside, twisted, cold.
Watching me break
Seeing me cry
Hearing another piece of me shatter
What do you care,
What do I matter?
I can’t cry but I am
My eyes are red raw
My cheeks stained
From you and yours
You degrade me, use me,
Keep me on the adjustable leash
I’ll keep coming back...
I thought you wanted to be my friend.
?
I don’t get what’s changed. I don’t get why you’ve gone so cold. I don’t get why you can do that? How you can do that?
I am human! Stop hurting me!
Written
“I haven’t written in 10 months. Not a lyric” … So you’re lying to one of us?
You said you wrote a song. For me. Less than a month ago.
Whatever this bubble was, you bust it.
Immovable
She waits at the window, looking at the world. Her view extended beyond the clouds. Higher than the tallest skies, no one can hear her cries.
Today's the day
The dress is in its box, the shoes were never worn. The floweres never arranged, the ribbon never torn.
As the clock strikes twelve...
Sitting against the bathroom door, tears flowing to the floor. The shower turned on, water hitting the air. Crying in the night to no one.
Where are you now? You promised me this. I didn’t believe you, I should have listened.
Sitting against the bathroom door.
The paper rolling too and fro. Mascara gone from my cheeks, tears flowing to the floor.
Where are you now? I needed this....
September 2011
2 posts
Almost confounded
Where are you when I need you Where are you when I’m gone
Why is this the way you’ve left me With my only memory of life now outshone
Screaming as I say goodbye Never to smile again So is the depth of angst And my encouragement to win
From here I see you standing Eyes as red as war torn snow
For you love me, loved me Cried for me, died for me
More than I would know.
Today.
It’s a new day. A new beginning.
Yesterday I made a friend. He makes me laugh. He makes me smile, a lot.
He helped me become myself again, in only a matter of hours…
Today, it’s a new day.
July 2011
2 posts
8 years ago...
and I almost forgot.
They would be here.
They’re not.
‘Insert life affirming statement’
I can only cry.
I can’t go back.
Life as I know it...
A heroic soul born desperately in need of sensation. A moment is an eternity, a rule is a tyranny, a process is a purgatory, a joy is an ecstasy, a daydream is a vision, a hazard is a playground, silence is suffocation, and completion is death.
June 2011
1 post
A choice?
Do I live like a zombie, feeling acceptable but no joy, no laughter, no sense of appreciation, only the ability to sink without the option to rise above the water? Or do I live with the highs, the lows, the inbetweens, the increased anxious and delirious states simply for the option of the ability to sense and appreciate joy?
I’m crying… slowly, not hysterically. That’s a good...
February 2011
1 post
Lost
Inside, outside and everything inbetween. If you can’t even try, how can anyone else? I don’t have anyone, I only have you.
January 2011
2 posts
Diagnosis...
After 7 years - PCOS. Hello Metformin my new friend!
Today a part of me died...
She passed away alone, 5 minutes from my mothers hand.
My friend, my blanket of childhood, my warmth, my love, my favourite, my valiant, the person who was most proud of me and never failed to let me know how beautiful I was and I in return knew how beautiful she was, inside and out for her 94 years.
I wouldn’t and couldn’t have lived without her.
I love my Nan and already miss...
October 2010
1 post
A kiss goodnight and the world starts dreaming
I try and ask why and you swerve the question. You see the pain in my face, the agony inside, the relentless hope and optimisim burning, boiling, now slowly fading underneath. You wish I wouldn’t ask, you wish I would resign myself to the probable outcome. You wish it wasn’t such an effort, that it wasn’t even an option. You see me locking myself away for 20 minutes, in darkness,...
August 2010
5 posts
Who?!
I have become a blancmonge monster without even noticing. Pale pink layers of puffiness, speckled with red and endless amounts of sugar and artificial flavouring.
What happened to me?
Tides
As the pain ebbs at my body, my mind, my soul, my sanity, I can’t help but be frozen in anger, in fear, in irrational hope.
I miss my Boy and I can’t live without my darling Annie. Where are you, why havn’t you found your way yet? We’re still here, waiting for you, we always will be, I promise x
Office abortion
At 14:00 today I discovered after 6 years of trying & tears that I was finally going to be able to hold him in my arms.
At 15:00 today I called you to discuss your account. Not to sell you anything, not to try and con you into anything, but genuinely to discuss it and to offer my assitance if you wished to expand it. No charges, no fees, just genuine assistance. A free service, a...
True love
Is eye watering.
July 2010
5 posts
What do you do when the person who is your security is the person you need protecting from?
Bed time
innit!
Genuinely, I truely honestly...
Just don’t care about it anymore. I’m 100% over it!
You’ll be deleted soon so please, shut the hell up.
Skull & Crossbones Society
Once and for all I am seeing the glitter and the glue and the free spirit and the breath of life vs the silence of death.
I could cry for it, die for it, sing for it scream for it, wish for it, look for it, need for it.
New phone
= new life.
Welcome!
June 2010
3 posts
